Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I smell like Dick and happiness
God I need to hump something, right now.
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