24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
