I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
