Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
