She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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