you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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