i don't like sucking hair
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
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