i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
