I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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