what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
