I wish they made helmets for livers.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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