I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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