Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
