I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
