My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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