You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
