some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Green mimosas i think yes
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
