Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
