Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
dude. I can hear the air.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
