I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
