you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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