He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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