i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
