I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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