I haven't been this sober since birth.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
we're making bets on your personal life
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
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