am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
