I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
