If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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