I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
