I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize