Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
