There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
