What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize