i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
