Don't make out with my wife yet
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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