Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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