just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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