Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize