omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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