When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
