This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
