I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
