TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i love accidental penises.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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