My first STD was from a foam party
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Are we still banned from the library?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
