I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
