Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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