I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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