Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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