based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Pants are for mortals
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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