Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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