why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
