Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
