Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
