Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
