Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
