She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize