I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
