After last night, I could never be a politician.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
