He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
