Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize