Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Randomize
